Transformers review OR Why Michael Bay is the worst storyteller alive

Transformers review OR Why Michael Bay is the worst storyteller alive.

Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. In some cases it may be the only thing that keeps me from leaving the theatre and setting it on fire.

It worked with Superman Returns. I'm an honest guy. Superman Returns wasn't a very good movie. I enjoyed it purely on a nostalgic, childhood memory level.

It didn't work here. Nostalgia was not the cure to the poison that is a Michael Bay movie.

I'll give Michael Bay one thing; He knows how to grab your attention with his camera. He also knows exactly how to induce vomiting with his camera.

His story telling may induce suicide.

The last 20 minutes of Transformers is insane. Truly and utterly insane. The special effects are truly the best I have ever seen. Unlike in Spiderman 3, never once did I think anything looked fake. Yes, we're talking about giant transforming robots looking realistic.

That's pretty much the only thing the movie has going for it....that and childhood memories.

The rest of the movie made me want to stab myself in the heart. Yes, the heart.

From the ages of around 12 to 15 every afternoon at 3:30 for me was a joy. Transformers was on. Optimus Prime was my hero.
I can, to this day, quote every line from the 1986 movie.

The 1986 cartoon movie is not a good film. It's pretty bad. In that case however, nostalgia is what it's all about. I love that film, I love the feelings it brings back.

The feelings the 2007 movie brings back are pure unadulterated rage.

Which brings me to Michael Bay and his utter lack of respect for us.

He gives the audience absolutely no credit other than the fact that we have eyes and ears. We literally might as well not have a brain. He doesn't want us to.

If he did, he wouldn't have autobots urinating, small robots doing bad boys II impressions, robots saying "my bad", robots giving the finger, characters that have about as many layers as Britanny Spears. (it's a clothing joke)

Shia LeBeouf is a fun actor. His character is revolting. Bay tries to force you to feel for a relationship that has not been giving any time or respect. Don't forget, you have no brain. The music, editing and long, emotional zoom ins more than make up for any storytelling. We're supposed to feel something and the movie tries to force us to. Because we have no brains.

Characters make rash and ridiculous, completely unsupported decisions. We don't care.

That's the worst part of all of this. We don't care. The army dude has a daughter? Who cares? Shia wants to bang the hot chick who can't act? Who cares?

The only character I cared about was Optimus Prime. Was it because his character had been built up? Yeah, in ten years of cartoons. Nostalgia and love for Prime is the only thing that kept me from hunting down the people that made this movie and stuffing my Shockwave toy down their throats.

This is the worst kind of manipulation. "We don't need story or character arcs. We have breasts, pop culture comedy and things blowing up."

That's the other thing. Are Michael Bay movies funny anymore? He injects shit like a racist Ebonics speaking "black" robot, (Jazz was voiced by Scatman Crothers in the cartoon, so naturally he's a hardcore hip hopper in this incarnation.) to an equally ridiculous comment on job outsourcing. Both aren't funny, and the "East Indian telephone operator" interferes in a scene that Bay is trying to make exciting. Instead it's just repulsive.

So, by now you're saying: "Hey, relax, it's a movie about giant robots. It's not SUPPOSED to be The Godfather"

Hey, you're right.

You know what else? Batman Begins is about a guy who dresses up in a bat costume.
It has character, story, originality and respect for its audience.

So do dozens of other films that I'll list upon request.

Micheal Bay definitely knows how to set up and pull of crazy action. He's one of the best. Far be it for me to bash his skills as a movie maker. He knows his camera.

If only that made a good movie and not a 2.5 hour long trailer for something that could have been so much better.

-Elias

ps. I am also fully aware that this Transformers movie could be the childhood memory of another generation. It shouldn't be. Honestly, I'm not kidding, the 1986 movie is better written. It's brainless, but not equally brainless.